Beauty Redefined (http://www.beautyredefined.net/blog/ or on Facebook "Beauty Redefined), two University of Utah PhD students on a mission to change how American/modern/western culture focuses on women's bodies, has made me aware of how many of the small things we've been acculturated to do and say that focus on our bodies, how we look, and those messages we send with these comments. Over Christmas, they urged us not to fall prey to awkwardness and just compliment that person/friend/family member you haven't seen in awhile's weight loss/shirt/party dress and encouraged us to find something else to talk about beyond physical appearance.
Man it's hard.
But I agree. Its nice to be noticed physically, but its also awkward. When a friend who just had a baby says something about my waistline (that also recently had a baby in it), I can fill the comparisons coming and its awkward. Nothing I can say will make it better, probably worsen what I'm feeling inside, because honestly, I really hadn't thought about me vs. her until she brought it up. And now that I'm married, its always awkward when a man says anything about how I look.
A while back, I also read an article by Lisa Bloom on Huffington Post about how to talk to little girls (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-little-gir_b_882510.html?ref=fb&src=sp). The author suggests that we ask little girls what are they reading or what their favorite books are instead of commenting on their cute hair/dress/etc. I myself have two little girls, a toddler and a newborn, neither of who are particularly receptive to talking about favorite books. BUT I have tried to come up with more original compliments.
I'm really stuck with a newborn. Have you noticed how much you dwell on physical appearances with babies? "You're so cute." "Hello, Beautiful." "Look at that cute tongue of yours." "I love your eyes." "Big smile!" "Such a chubby baby!" I walk into my baby girls' (at least when they were babies) rooms when they wake up in the morning and say, "Hello Beautiful." I delighted in my first daughter's chubbiness. I was proud that I made such a happy, healthy chubby baby with the chubbiest legs. We called her "Chubbles" and "Chubbas" and "Chubbs." Many people worried we were going to give her a weight complex--she was not even talking! The name has faded as she's gotten older. Do you think this will give her a complex about her weight? On the flipside, I have a friend with the cutest, chubbiest son (about four months and 20ish pounds. I'm not the mom so I don't remember the exact weight.) that was telling him the other day, as if he was concerned, that his weight would go away. Which extreme is worse?
What do you think? Does how we talk to the less than 12 month crowd impact them? Or is it merely good practice for the parents to talk to them positively about body appearance?
I've been trying to do this and it is hard. I find myself regretting a compliment as it's coming out of my mouth, especially when I'm complimenting little girls. I regret it because I know that they're getting that same compliment from a lot of people and they're learning that it must be really important to look cute/have pretty hair/etc. It's almost automatic to compliment appearance and will take a lot of practice to change the habit. I'm not sure how much babies less than 12 months are impacted by the compliments we give them. I look at it as practice for me but it might have other benefits.
ReplyDeleteI read the same article, and I agree with it in principle--it's the soul of the person that matters, not their looks, and showing in your conversation that you really care about the person makes the biggest difference to their reality. But in little children... you're their unconditionally loving mother, you should tell them they're beautiful... and it's their whole spirit/body/soul you're talking about anyway. I'm horrified by the idea that a mother would reassure her baby that their baby fat will come off. As a mom of four kids, 14 yrs down to 3 yrs, you find there are simply seasons of weight-gain vs. growth, and every child matures differently but everyone is going to grow up. (You have to feed them nutritious food for that... you are their parent showing them how to forage in our world, after all.)
ReplyDeleteBut every kid's mind grows up, too. Little kids are concerned with relationships, approval, and basic physical reality. As a teenager, they add comparisons to the list, to learn who they are in relation to the rest of the world (they compare no matter what, and adults do this too, btw, with more abstract matters), and making judgments. But if you can assure them of their priceless self-worth like every person has, and then teach them to learn and work hard so they can earn their subsistence and contribute well to society, you're on the right track. It's so easy to get caught up in the appearance of life but if you, as a parent who is their prime example, can stay real and grounded while positive and loving, it's going to go a long way in helping them to know the true nature of the world and themselves. Kids are incredibly smart, they see everything, both deep and superficial.
Ha ha, this turned into an essay. But the other thing is... lots of prayer. It SO helps to clear the air, all the way round.
I didn't know you had a blog, btw, you should share more. You have really interesting observations.
ReplyDelete